18 years old
I have a problem with repetitiveness, it triggers me. The thought of everyday staying the same makes me want to run, makes me want to find a way to escape. Sometimes the need to get out becomes so overwhelming that I don’t care about the consequences of my actions on my grades, my relationships, and my health. Lots of the time I feel as empty and cold as the land around me. My own head is a trap, a labyrinth that I can’t find a way out of. No what turn or twist I take, I can’t seem to lose my demons. It’s exhausting and I’m exhausted. I barely have the energy to try anymore. Everyday, I’m on auto-pilot. I know that I work far too much and I stay out far too late. To me, it’s better than going home to a sleepless night alone in my own head. In a sick sense, it’s to the point where I have to be so tired that I’ll fall asleep instead of waking up with more scars on my body. A lot of people don’t understand depression because they’ve never had it. No one gets how much self-hatred it takes to do such destructive things to yourself. Depression isn’t being sad or having a down day, it’s an illness that is constantly with you. You can’t escape it or the feelings that follow you. This lack of understanding makes it much worse for us. There are teenagers out there who draw lines across there skin with razors, who starve themselves, who sleep all day, who drink, or take drugs to feel something or to stop feeling everything.
The sick part?
Is not that we do these things but we turn around and tell other depressed teenagers that these things aren’t the answer. Then, on our way home we cross the street without looking and later, we’ll forget to count how many pils we’re taking, washing them down with vodka on a stomach that hasn’t eaten in days. Then we’ll sit on the bathroom floor in the early hours of the morning with tears streaming down our face, staring at the blade wondering if maybe it is the answer. Wondering if it’ll quiet the demons that only we can see and hear. Wondering if it’ll take all the pain away.
Depression isn’t a phase, it isn’t teenagers being lazy or seeking attention. Depression is an illness and all we’re looking for is a little understanding.
(These are real letters from real woman who have sent me their stories to share with all of you! They have not been altered, edited, or changed in anyway and if you have a story of your own to share email me at firstname.lastname@example.org)